A baby is defined as a smelly stuffy thing which tends to stuff fingers in ears, noses and mouths. Also, it likes staring at spots on my wall and peeing on my head. Reason enough to hate kids. Anyway, dad’s colleagues/friends came over the other day. I knew about that though but I felt like I had been betrayed and stabbed in the dark when I got home that day to see the little thing. You can imagine your shock if you walk in to your home after a long days work and see that dastardly thing on your favourite couch.
Of course, the little monster came with reinforcements. Complete with a talkative aunt who pretended she was a psychic and a grandfather who loved talking about my girlfriends, whose names, he surprisingly remembers. Did I forget the things mom? Of course I did. Because she kind of faded into the background when it was having its fun getting on my nerves and sprang only when I gave the drasted thing a taste of its own medicine. All in its proper time.
As soon as I walked in, mom said, why don’t you take it to your room and play with it. Of course, that’s was precisely my hearts desire, to have the poor unfortunate thing in my room alone with me.(Notice the sarcasm)
Picked it up by its armpits and the head fell back. Weird I thought but I ignored that and decided to support the head. Walked into my room and kept it on the bed. The head plomped back again. Weird. And then I stared at it. Wondering what I could possibly play with it. MOHAA and AOE seemed a little to complicated for its tiny head. besides it would have a little trouble playing them with its head like that. I was bored of chess so I just stared. It stared too. Not at me, apparently I wasn’t beautiful enough but at a spot on the wall.. Kids like doing that I think. because what it saw in that spot I have no clue. Maybe it was making evil demented plans to bomb that spot or maybe it wasn’t. At least I think that’s what kids do, no? .. All I know was that that particular spot was completely indistinguishable from other spots on the wall. Completely indistinguishable. We maintained this state of affairs for about 15 minutes. I stared at the baby and glared at it and tried to make it cry and the baby.. Well the baby continued staring at the wall.
Since me glaring at it was kind of weird and I thought I should be polite to it, I tried making small talk with the stupid thing. Never have I felt more stupid or ignored. I said what’s up to it and the fartface continued staring at the wall with confidence that would leave the best of us shattered. I though it hadn’t heard me so I said what’s up a little louder. It’s response? It shifted it’s glance a tiniest bit and resumed it's evil planning and staring, only this time the malice was directed at another spot, again completely indistinguishable. Damn kids.
I get the point pretty quick even though some people believe I’m thick skinned. Quick thinking and I figured out it didn’t want to talk to me. So well, we made a nice triangle, the three of us. The baby me and the spot which should have been unnerved by all the staring and icy glances I gave it for distracting my audience.
Anyway, all of a sudden a very strange thing happened. Inexplicable really. A fountain started at it’s eyes… Wasn’t particularly strong or beautiful but I though it would look a lot prettier if I placed the lion on the thing’s face. Put the lion there and the stupid thing started eating, quite literally. Now if you live in my house and you know the importance of lions, you’d know that only I AM allowed to chew at my lion’s tail and NO ONE is allowed to even lick the Mohawk. The thing had just made it personal. I snatched the lion back and for effect laughed at it. That was apparently the last straw, it screamed and the mom came running in. She picked it up and then of course there was beautiful brown stuff on my bed. Stupid creature. She carried it off and since I am not one to give up so easily, I followed. I flicked on of its shoes but the fiend had beaten me there as well. The shoe was wet. I don’t know why, I don’t want to know why. Chucking the shoe out of the window, I smiled at it giving it what I thought was a look that would stop it’s heart dead in it’s tracks. Well, the mom decided it it would be safe to undress the thing in front of me, maybe I’d even help her change the diapers. Maybe I’d pinch it while I was doing that. No such luck. All I got to do was carry the soiled diapers to the dustbin. I resigned myself to another 3 hours of talk about my girlfriends and how I got them despite being so ugly, and the thing, well it just continued staring at different spots on the wall. Evil genius.
Nothing has bored me more. Not even watching telebrands on Discovery. Why people make babies is beyond me, why they don’t deep fry and eat them is a matter of great concern and raises a question mark on the sanity of all of humanity.
PS:The female of the spieces is deadlier than the male. Careful observation when it was naked and making plans to bomb my house and flick my lion revealed the thing was a girl.
PPS: I did get back at it at the end. I made it resprout the fountains when it was leaving by slyly chewing the lion while it watched.
PPPS: The thing mad NO movement when I kept it on the bed. Didn’t make any noises either. When all of you grow up(if) and have kids, leave them with me?
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